Repression
by CaptainKrueger
Summary: "No, it does not make sense that we gravitated toward one another when we weren't so fond of each other's character, but physical attraction does not care about emotional or philosophical compatibility." AU. Exoticshipping.


Don't look so surprised. Even the most self-righteous of us will falter when it comes to something we really want. Even the "virtuous" have their price, and surprise, surprise, the motivation comes from some of the simplest of things. Curiosity. Temptation. And maybe—just maybe—the desire to do something that others write off as "wrong."

Your sister was no exception, no matter how much she used to point her nose skyward at the rest of us plebeians. Which made the fall from her high horse that much more satisfying.

My, my, don't you play the part of the angry brother well. Come on, now. Let's be honest. I did not trick, manipulate, or coerce her in any way. Ishizu knew what she was doing. So don't you point that finger at me, claiming that I robbed poor little Ishizu of her innocence. You can't claim what has been tossed to the dogs. I will not take credit for something I didn't do if it doesn't benefit me.

You needn't subject yourself to the torture of sleepless nights worrying whether the wolf lured the lamb to the cave only to rip it to pieces. Sure, she came to me, but it did not leave her broken and scarred, like you seem to wish. I know what you're thinking—you're looking for a reason to prove why I'm such a bad guy for letting Ishizu into my bed. You're trying to find something that proves that the time we spent together changed her for the worst. Good luck.

I'll admit, I wanted to laugh when I saw her standing at my doorstep. After all the time she'd spent looking down on me, there she was, waiting for me to let her into my home. And we both knew that she wasn't there to proselytize. No, her intentions were not as hollow and insincere as that.

Over two decades' worth of repression and denial, all under the false name of morality, translate into a most impressive outburst of desire and willingness. But we had plenty of time to make up for that, as it turns out. Upright, laudable Ishizu came back because I offered a release for these uncaged feelings, because I know what excessive repression does. One can only tolerate so much self-inflicted punishment.

Any room she, with such entitlement, thought that she had to be smug about our differing lifestyles and standards was tossed aside before I could even close my door. Yes, I was surprised, too, when she had her hands on me before I could even ask about whatever happened to practicing what you preach. Took me about half a second to get over it, and I found that I didn't really care anyway.

Normally, I make it a point not to even waste my breath on those who would try to argue with me that their "ethics" and "morality" are generally better than my "vices" and "hedonism." Vices, eh? I stand on my own two feet with my head held high, and my critics spend their time prostrate with their heads in the sand. Tell me, now, who is the inferior one?

Seeing how your sister was one of my critics, you'd think that I'd slam the door in her face and bolt it shut, yes? Well, that's where you'd be wrong. She's young, alluring, and she was willing and ready. Not that difficult to connect the dots, hm? When opportunity knocks... Well, you certainly get the idea, don't you? Your flustered expression speaks for you well enough.

It all comes down to one thing: attraction. You don't have to be fond of someone's personality, however high-and-mighty, to take interest in what they also have to offer.

Hearing that condescending tone that simply _exuded_ these sentiments of imagined superiority left a bad taste in my mouth; I imagine my "incorrigibility" had similar effects on her as well. Oh, yes, I saw how my so-called brashness affected her. The way she would clench her fists, the way she pursed her lips whilst she steeled herself to give me a stern talking-to. I imagine all that holier-than-thou posturing caused a tightness in her chest and a headache. No, it does not make sense that we gravitated toward one another when we weren't so fond of each other's character, but physical attraction does not care about emotional or philosophical compatibility.

In the end, I think coming to me did her good. She'll think twice now before pulling that pretty face down into a disgusted scowl at the smallest offense to her ideals. It really is unbecoming, you know. But now I think she knows that self-discipline and repression do not have to be synonymous.

That's not to say that she accepted it without a fight. She'd developed the habit of disappearing in the middle of the night once she was sure that I was asleep. Not that I cared either way, really, but one night I woke up and caught her trying to silently but swiftly pull her clothing back on. And whether it was out of shame or a desire to slink back home before the neighborhood could wake up and discover that she had spent the night with me—oh, the scandal, the gossip—I don't know, nor do I care.

Let me assure you that when I called her out, I simply did so to see how high she would jump when I muttered, "You don't have to act so embarrassed, you know."

And while her feet did not leave the ground, she did tense up like a teenager that's been caught trying to sneak out of the window. Oh, how droll. I swear that I could feel the heat radiating from her cheeks. How cute. Ishizu, who fancied herself a queen—nay, a goddess!—among mortals, was blushing because I, her supposedly illicit lover, had caught her trying to leave. To see how she would react further, I told her, like it was news, "No one's telling you to leave."

And so that's how the next few moments unfolded: we kept our eye contact as we waited to see what one another's next move would be. She waited long enough to draw in three more breaths, then resumed pulling her sweater back on, then left.

I only had a day to wonder whether I'd scared her off until she came back soon enough for more. I know it must be ever so hard for you to even _consider_ that Ishizu was initiating those nights together. I suppose I can imagine why. After so many years of crafting her seemingly incorruptible image, your sister appeared infallible and flawless where her ideals were concerned. So sorry if she's been tarnished for you, but she did that all by herself the moment she came over. Some people grow weary of their flimsy facades of righteousness. I know she did. Her body betrayed her true feelings that first night when she grabbed fistfuls of my hair and pressed herself as close to me as she could manage.

Everyone has their weaknesses, and it turns out that we were each other's. Like I said, I usually try to avoid people cut from the same cloth as your sister, but in the end we got involved for the same reason: our own interests. She wanted someone who would not shun her for trying something that goes against the rigid set of regulations she used to follow so blindly, and I wanted to know what she would be like without all the posturing.

She was finally able to relax when she flushed out all those toxins out of her system; she became more at ease with my company when she finally realized that we were two consenting adults, and one need _not_ limit themselves to partners who make a habit of sitting on the roughest stick that they can find. It did take her a while, but it's difficult to rewire one's brain after a lifetime of conditioning. We had differing attitudes, and I did not make her breakfast in the mornings, but that was okay. We weren't looking for convention. We weren't looking for much else than gratification, and she didn't need to feel ashamed for that.

I see that you take no comfort in what I've told you. That's your problem. Sorry to tell you, but Lady Ishizu _is_ a human, however she might have regarded herself as something more in the past; she, like anyone else, is affected with desires and needs. So sorry to disappoint you. I think you'll find that she is not nearly as quick to look with scorn at some of us who do not concern ourselves with living a totally "wholesome" life. Not unless she wants to look like a hypocrite. Sanctimoniousness flatters no one, not even Ishizu in all of her grace.

She hasn't come around in a while, I'll have you know. That's not surprising. I did not expect her to stay for too long. In fact, I'm certain she'd originally intended to stick around for one night, simply to sate her curiosity. But we usually don't anticipate how strong the pull of our urges can be. I think she finally realizes that.


End file.
